Acknowledging The Cranes

If you haven't heard Solange's new album "A Seat At The Table", please allow yourself the space and time to be heard. Heard because Solange clearly responds to the woman inside screaming for understanding and solidarity.

A work of art and genius, Solange's album resonates with ideals of self-care, community, solidarity, knowing your worth, and #BlackGirlMagic. One of my favorites, "Cranes In The Sky", is a beacon of #iSeeYouSis. Bringing light to the oh-so common life of some black women. Myself included.

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With few (but growing; shoutout to BGIO) spaces of solidarity and acceptance, many black women are creating and taking on what feels like substitutes for what we each really need: ______ (fill in the blank).

In her lyrics, Solange keeps it real: "I tried to drink it away ... I tried to dance it away ... I tried to work it away ... I tried to sex it away." I mean, the lyrics alone, acknowledging the many fillers we grasp to fill voids or ignore them completely sent chills down my spine. "Have I gotten that disconnected with myself?", I've asked numerous times, ashamed. We have found so many ways to work AROUND what we need to work THROUGH. I dare not generalize but the sadness and craving for value I've experienced has often been pacified with multiple jobs, multiple roles at church, passion projects for myself and friends, interpersonal relationships, responsibility for others, and the nightly glass(es) of red wine (Malbec, please). Don't get me wrong -- self-care can look like therapy or twerking, wings or writing, sleeping or support groups. But what's the motive? Are we filling time with "busyness" to suppress what's requesting to be addressed? Probably ...

I have personally put over 7,000 miles on a car I purchased in May due to "busyness". I can't sit still. Stillness brings quietness and guilt -- that I should either escape my thoughts and/or remain productive outside of myself. And that's my error of self-sabotage.

I have often been challenged to spend a weekend at home to take care of my space(s), myself, and essentially spend time recharging. However, the way society has crowned the busy, independent, Jackie-of-all-trades type black woman as the epitome of damn near perfection, that's what I've been crawling my way towards. 

There is nothing wrong with having goals and relentless ambition. But -- when your striving derails you towards perfection and away from happiness, wholeness -- you're bound to wreck.

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There is no better way to love yourself than without conditions and sans expectations for perfection. Even in this reflection I am loving and not chastising myself (or anyone else) because these areas for improvement also reflect authenticity; the imperfections that make "ME".

So, is this process a perfect one? No. Hell no! And that's it. Because I'll journey to happiness, embracing uncertainty, controlling my self-care, with a glass of wine for the ride.

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Vibe Tunes ATM:

Cranes In The Sky x Solange | Reality Check x Noname + Eryn Allen Kane

#DoubtingEnough

I don't post much about my personal life on social media ... but here I'll let it be known that I was offered a supervisor position for a therapeutic program this summer. And I accepted although I almost didn't even apply.

I have doubted myself in so many ways, not only about being qualified for this position, but in other areas of my life. Self-doubt is defined as a lack of confidence in one's self or abilities. Lacking confidence in myself is a challenge I've whispered to only my closest friends ... but it's SO REAL. Not everyday I feel like a #BossChick. I don't wake up with flawless skin, a clear and focused mind, or a flat tummy with curves from here to there. 

But that doesn't stop me from being enough.

A close sister-friend of mine gifted me with a silver cuff bracelet that is engraved with the words "I AM ENOUGH". A daily affirmation, if you will, that reminds me that what I have to offer is enough. Professionally, I AM ENOUGH. Physically, I AM ENOUGH. Emotionally, I AM ENOUGH. And this isn't a statement of contentment with my current self; there's always room for growth and improvement. But WHO AM I to lack confidence in the woman God has so graciously made in His image?!

God has granted me so much mercy and favor on this journey that I cannot fathom doubting His workmanship. Experiences have empowered my story, trials have refined my testimony. In no way, shape, or form have I been perfected but only made to follow His perfect love; to humbly rest in His grace. I'm a masterpiece.

So when I hit submit on the application to become a supervisor in my agency, when I strive to reach 2 miles of cardio versus one, when I walk into my therapist's office with a vulnerable but brave demeanor ... I know that I AM ENOUGH. And this journey is full of blessings that doubt has tried to block one too many times.

I'm so glad I didn't give in.

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Vibe Tunes ATM (At The Moment):

Red Eye x KING + Claustrophobic x PJ Morton

#PurgeToProduce

A lull of silence chased by a flow of tears. Another black man/woman murdered at the hand of a uniform meant to protect. I'm overwhelmed, sick, mourning.

Checking social media with caution, my timeline includes videos, personal opinions and essays, media outlets painting pictures of the deceased and defender, and other knee-jerk reactions. Here, it's easy to wade and soon drown in the negativity; to stir up and pour into fury. Understand, I AM angry. This is not the life we're meant to live and defend. Freedom should be inclusive for all human beings ... but it seems living black has always been a crime, with punishment uncalled for. 

But I can't let the negativity consume me. Nothing I produce from it -- at work, at home, in my relationships -- will be productive. I have to purge.

I am consciously practicing self-care to rid myself of negativity and protect my magic: daily affirmations, opting out from watching the videos and live streams of brutality, recognizing and honoring how I'm affected emotionally and physically, and surrounding myself with my tribe, supporting one another. Releasing negativity takes intention. It's a thoughtful carrying of compassion for yourself and the world you live in -- knowing it desperately needs Him. 

It's my prayer that I can reproduce the positivity, compassion, and change I've experienced into this hurting world. As a vessel of the Most High, I am available for this charge. In this space, I am empowered ... in this space I am determined to live abundantly, to share in this overflow.

àse.