Happy November?

Can I be honest? Yeah? Thanks …

My birthday is on November 7th. And the older I get, the less excited I am for getting older. It’s like each year, about two to three weeks before and after my birthday, I experience sadness, reflection, nervousness, and even sometimes apathy. I thought it was my Scorpio Sun/Cancer Moon/Virgo Rising all simultaneously deciding to run buck-wild and be on full display. But in actuality, some call it the “birthday blues”. That paired with a history of mild depression, can be a lot to manage and explain to those that want to celebrate [with] me.

Life is life-ing, but it’s not terrible. And for that I’m so grateful. My business is doing fine, my relationship is safe and loving, my family is here and healthy, and I have a great circle of #Framily (friends turned chosen family) members that love me in a special way, and mean it. So why am I sad? Why aren’t I smiling (cue Jhene Aiko)?

Well studies and articles show that for some, the “birthday blues” are common, like situational depression. I’m more susceptible to it due to the ebbs and flows of mild depressive symptoms I experience (according to my own very dope therapist). But I feel guilty about it.

Yes, this therapist sometimes feels guilty for having uncomfortable and not-so-pleasant feelings. What a paradox … a concept. So, I’ve also decided to cope: to let the the feelings come and go, like a wave. I’ve decided to be gentle with myself and practice self-compassion. I’ve decided to give myself permission to cry, laugh, nap, and celebrate however grand or intimate I decide.

---

I’ve DECIDED.

Making a choice when the birthday blues come around is not always easy because almost any choice feels like a chore. Have you ever had to work/parent/be a friend or sibling while not feeling 100% your best? Yeah, it takes energy and brain power that we don’t always have or want to express. But I saw a post that validates this very experience. It said something like “if you have 40%, give 40% — that’s still 100% your best” (I’m paraphrasing). And knowing that I don’t have to decide alone — having friends and family that will take the wheel and come alongside me and decide, too.

Making a decision isn’t always about action either, but an internal choice to align myself with truth.

---

The TRUTH

Often times, anxiety or depression, even anger, originates in the mind — thoughts swirling and ruminating, often irrational and based on assumptions or untruths. This is where so many people, including myself, find ourselves at battle. In the mind, acknowledging the untruth and challenging it with the truth.

And not a rigid or hard truth, but many truths. For example, two things can be true — “both, and”. I can be both grateful and anxious. I can be both celebratory and sad. I can be both a therapist and a child of God.

Throughout my life, I’ve had to learn, know, and rely on God, Abba. And each time, His truth truly keeps me. I always come back to my Life Scripture during times like this — when situations cause discomfort.

I listen to music and feel the Holy Spirit speaking to me, through me. I talk to God — like a friend. Imperfect and raw, with language and verbiage only He and I can speak. It’s grounding and sacred: prayer — and that is where I can share my truth while receiving His truth.

---

Jesus AND Therapy

The duality of “both, and” also covers the emotional/spiritual connection. I can have both Jesus and therapy. While I’m grounding and affirming myself in spiritual practices, I’m healing myself (in co-labor with God, don’t forget) with therapeutic practices as well.

One of the things I am working on practicing consistently is releasing unrealistic/unrelenting pressures and accepting myself for who and where I am. In a ever-changing and socially unforgiving world, along with the effects of my past traumatic experiences, radical self-acceptance was not always given space or praised; but now, at my BIG AGE, I give myself permission! Permission to BE. And this permission slip is something I have to remember, review, and sign daily. It’s a worthy choice.

Embracing all of my quirks, flaws, imperfections, and intricacies as they evolve right along with me — they make me who I am, how I impact, and why I love who I love.

---

What Now? Let’s Start with “Happy November.”

No façades, no false positivity, no self betrayal to make others happy … this is honesty. As I approach my new year I can acknowledge and accept that I’m not super excited about it [yet] but I am very grateful. I couldn’t have imagined I’d be living and loving the life I have today, but I know I’ll keep praying over it.

---

Vibe Tunes ATM:

G O D, LOVE, + s o u l/l o-f i. (an Apple Music Playlist I curated) | Be Like Water (feat. Stevie Wonder & Nas) x PJ Morton

Here We Are, In Love. Part 2

Cruising down 64E, wind in my locs, 90s R&B vibing from the speakers. I was ready for a much needed beach day (COVID19 friendly) after a long 3 months in lockdown. I had started a new job, entered a season of purposeful momentum, and said “yes” to online dating. My Issa D, Insecure style dating roster was in a valley of roller coaster experiences after I or the guys eliminated themselves from the running. But my Mr. Genuine was hanging around.

I found myself looking forward to the FaceTime dates, iMessage game tournaments, and endless conversations. So of course when I mentioned having a Friday off work, an invitation to the beach was met with a “sure”. The beach is my safe place (any moving body of water really), so of course I was looking forward to the break of monotony in my daily schedule and respite from being an essential worker.

But this time felt different.

You see, there we were almost three months to the date of matching online, and we’ve never been in each others’ presence. If you know me, you know that I can immediately tell if I will enjoy a person based on their energy. Call it my gift of discernment, if you will. Over the years I’ve strengthened it and continue to pay attention to something deep in my heart, next to my gut instinct, that whispers “yes” or “no”. So of course, I’m anticipating that this meet up will be the date that says it all. But ohhh, was it so much more.

---

When I took the exit for the beach, he turned on his location and had a parking spot coned off for me, ready to conveniently arrive and enjoy my beach day[te] with him. Points added!

I can feel my heart beating quickly and my legs getting restless — I’m shocked! Either my calm demeanor was fleeting or I really had to pee. When I got out of the car, he walked over and helped me open the door before looking me in my eyes, saying, “hey, glad you made it!” and embraced me for a hug. Y’all … he smelled SO good. There is very few that immediately makes a man attractive but smelling GOODT?! Points added!

My silly self, I smiled and immediately asked, “where can I used the bathroom?”, doing a little tinkle dance. What am I, 6?! He smirks and tells me I can use the bar he has connections with through previous work — perfect! I grab my bag and walk away like Gloria from Waiting to Exhale — “oh God, I hope he’s not watching me walk away … turns to look … he’s watching, ohhh”. I giggle and make haste to change into my bathing suit and freshen up after the drive. Of course I give myself a pep talk in the mirror and remind myself to be present — live and enjoy the here and now. No judgement, all grace.

When I come back, he has our belongings ready, the coolers filled with ice and water, and speakers equipped for a beach day! Now, I’m a planner so I packed fruit salad, some drinks, carbs, and of course playlists for the entire day if need be. But knowing that he was prepared, too? Points added!

Now at this point in the afternoon, I’m HOT. It’s only been, what, a good ten minutes? But I’m anticipating a sweaty day at the beach so I don’t wear a lot of makeup (maybe some mascara and a little highlighter to invite the sun to reflect my melanin a little more), but I’m feeling comfortable. Something about his energy has already calmed me down and encouraged me to let go. To breathe easy and not overthink — my authentic self was welcomed today.

When we finally make that trek across the sand to the rental area, he gets us a cabana and lounge chairs and we set up for what I’m desperate to enjoy — a relaxing day on the beach. It’s definitely bustling with families and kids, but we’re at a safe distance, so I pull out some drinks for us, connect the speakers, and immediately start to get comfortable. He’s watching me quietly, taking it all in, and we both finally just lay back and watch the water meet the shore.

In between singing along to summer tunes, jumping waves in the perfectly cool water, and having conversations on various topics, I feel myself let go a little more. He’s so fun! I’m surprised but also not — he’s been genuinely friendly and easeful the entire time we’ve been connected. His energy in person felt, safe.

---

Now if you’re a Black woman dating in America, safety is PRIORITY. It’s not everyday we come across someone with pure intentions, healthy boundaries, or effective communication. So our guard is almost always up — we’re sharing our location with our family and friends, carrying pepper spray, and keeping our drink limit to two below the average so we’re alert and ready to escape if needed. Or it is just me? But this day[te], I felt comfortable being a little less TTG (trained to go).

---

While we enjoy the cooling splashes of the salty waves, he’s grabbing my hands, holding my waist to make sure I’m not drowning, and slowly turns the busy shore into a private beach moment for two. He probably didn’t know this … but I really felt safe to flirt again. I think heartbreak and unmet expectations caused me to feel skeptical and thus be more masculine (honestly) in my approach to dating. But I let my feminine nature lead this day and it felt safe to emerge because his masculine was healthily present. I’ve been working on returning to my feminine ways for some time, but here I felt seen, safe, and sought-after. We orbited each other and I was reminded that dates, being pursued, getting to know someone, was fun AND freeing. I didn’t feel pressured to be someone I wasn’t; to show up as what I thought he wanted but more-so as whom He created. So I gravitated towards him more. And what he met me with surprised me but also electrified me. He kissed me. And not in the forceful, slobbery way some jerks think you want it. rolls eyes

He kissed me on my cheek first. And we laughed at the wave that slapped us on our sides right after. I chuckled and let the silence sway us. Then he met my lips with his and I melted. I felt so soft and sexy at the same time. I knew I didn’t want this date to end.

---

When we finally returned to our belongings, we were exhausted and hungry. So we agreed to pack up, change, and find some spots to grab food. Remember that bathroom I affirmed myself in at the top of our beach day[te]? I went back and smiled at how well this date was going! By now, it’s almost 5p and the beach is hectic. So by the time I put on outfit number 2, my hair is up, a little more mascara and sunscreen for the freshly glazed melanin, and I was ready to see what else he had planned for us! I’m on cloud 9!

I walk out and of course he’s packed his car with our belongings so that I wouldn’t have to worry about that after the bathroom. Points added!

We hold hands and walk to a rooftop bar serving socially distanced happy hour — I’m here for it. We sit and I take out my camera(s) (my fuji film as well as my phone). I felt led to continue to document the memories of today, hence the picture above. What’s so cute, is that he has one instant Polaroid from our day[te] and I have the other.

After drinks he mentions wanting to take me to his favorite fish taco spot. I’m down! All he had to say was tacos! So we pull up our masks, he takes my hand, and leads me through the crowds to a cute side street bar. We speak to some of his friends that we’ve ran into then find a booth outside under the summoning sunset. I have no clue what to get so he and the waiter advise me on all the great tastings. I decide on a shrimp burrito (of course I remember so many vivid details) and a drink. He gets three fish tacos. While we wait for our food, we organically fall into these nestled positions. I’m under his left arm while he’s turned inward. I feel myself relax all of my muscles and exhale. I trusted him.

I’ll never forget that fish taco spot (we recently went there during the winter and the memories flooded back), because that’s where my discernment gave me the green light to let him in — almost three months into our friendship, and I was ready to hang up the jersey and allow him to be the star player. The roster was emptied.

Some may say that it was too soon while others support the pace. All I can say is, from that day forward, I believed I could let him pursue me. I said yes. Not all at once, of course, but the hint of apprehension I carried washed into the sea with the seashells we left behind on the shore.

---

But that’s not where the date ended. After tacos, as we held hands and walked the boardwalk, I found myself suddenly remembering that my drive home wasn’t a hop skip back to Richmond. I looked at my phone — it was almost 9pm and I had a ton of missed calls and texts. Did we really just have a 10 hour date?! Wow! This had to be a first!

He respected my need to head home, but I could tell we both didn’t want the night to end. We slowly walked and enjoyed the flittering last moments of our day[te] together. When we returned to the parking lot, he helped me pack my car and agreed to help me battle the ruthless traffic of Arctic Ave. Y’all … he got out of my car, walked across the pedestrian crossing, and stopped traffic so I could drive across. Like … ok, Sir!

Needless to say, I was impressed. It wasn’t only the actions or food or drinks or cabana that impressed me; his attention to detail, thoughtfulness, and prioritizing of my comfort is what impressed me. He was selfless and compassionate and those qualities attracted me to him even more that his cologne.

We ended the night with him accompanying me to a side street that would get me directly to the expressway. When I was safely across and ready to begin my journey home, he placed another kiss on my lips and wished me a safe trip before walking back to his own car. I was still glowing like the sun had never set.

---

I’m smiling the entire drive home and later found out that he fought sleep to make sure I made it home safe. When I walked into my apartment, locked my door, set my bags down, and called him, we started a conversation, that similar to this journey, won’t end anytime soon.

---

Vibe Tines ATM:

Freefall x Durand Bernarr + KAYTRANADA | Lockdown x Koffee

Here We Are, In Love. Part 1.5

Another self-care Saturday turned solo sadder night. Three wine glasses, two slices of pizza, and one playlist later, I was up late, scrolling through yet another app filled with potential “No’s” and “Maybe’s”. It’s like the dating apps were infiltrated with hard-learned lessons, and my heart was still healing from a ten-year situationship severance. I wasn’t ready for another ghosted conversation or no-show date. I wanted something real to accompany me into my 30s. And what was more 2020 than online dating?

---

Online dating — dating in general — has been no crystal stair for me. It would be careless if I didn’t share the lows as well as the highs. Part 1 of this online dating chronicle painted a pretty picture, but I’ve had to paint many failed pieces in order to experience the beauty and art of love.

Want to know a secret? I’ve had online dating profiles since 2013. Yes, this is 7 years of unsuccessful conversations, dates, and lessons later. I’ve probably had a profile on almost any dating app you can think of: Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, FTH, Hinge, POF, OkCupid, Tinder, Bumble, BLK, etc. I mean, in my early twenties, this was a fun way to occupy my time in between classes, internship, and work in graduate school. Mid-twenties: I wanted to feel like I was aligned with the societal expectations of my peers. Later twenties: I was borderline desperate and trying to figure out if my recent breakup was because I was too picky or in a terrible area of Virginia for singles. At this point, being a young Black professional in the DMV area [as well as Richmond] proved to be the Hunger Games of dating — may the odds be ever in your favor.

It’s not like I didn’t have the “resume” to be a bomb a** wife, but let’s be serious — I was competing with the other 99 college educated Black women praying they’d be blessed with one of the 35-40 eligible Black men. Men had the options, the time, and the leverage in the dating game, and I believed that I was at their mercy (TUH! Can we say cognitive distortion?). I actually thought I had to … dare I say … settle *gasp*

---

Have I been loved well? Of course. Did I have daddy issues? Healing through them, but yes. Was I exempt from the woes of dating? Nope. And here are a few of those experiences.

Names are of course omitted for privacy and the simple fact that some don’t deserve mention.

---

• The Distanced Daddy

  • He was loc’d, husky, smelled good, and was hilarious. But also a three hour drive away, on a good day on 95 North. However, we wanted to try it out. I’d ask about his kid, he’d ask about my day. We’d exchange opinions on society (he said he was inspired by Trump … RED. FLAG.) and vibe to slow jams that ushered us into aunty and uncle status. He’d hold my hand at church and I’d wait in the barbershop while he got a line up. I mean, I had fun but I was cautionary. I even introduced him to my friends. We attempted to make the distance less obvious by communicating non-stop …. until one day we didn’t. He just disappeared on a sunny September day. And I was devastated. I had considered compromising on the differences to weather [yet another] long distance relationship. But I guess he had other plans. I heard from him randomly on a December night, with some excuse about how “the distance was hard, but I’m driving through Richmond now. Can I stop by?” Sir. Keep driving.

• The Confused Country Boy

  • He started with complaining about how most women wanted him for his money and online dating was harder for men than women. Hmmm. I mean, that was his experience and I honored it, but something deep down inside of me wanted to prove him wrong. So I stuck around. We’d laugh about frying fish to deep southern hip hop, he’d casually flaunt his computer tech and cooking skills, and I’d barely question about why we only talked via Google Duo. Any suggestion to meet up was flirted with, but never intentionally planned. DC wasn’t a planet away, but I knew if he wanted to make the trip, he would’ve. Well, you know how they say when you go looking for something, you find it? Let’s just say I found out that he wasn’t at all who he represented himself to be. I fried catfish with a catfish — go figure.

• Aight, I’ma Head Out

  • At 23, I thought meeting someone for a chill evening at their house was an acceptable first date. Let’s just say I was young and dumb, noticed our date turned into a group when another random guy walked into the room, and I grabbed my keys and left. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: I was lucky to get out of there without anything else happening. Thank God for a praying grandmother.

• Triggered

  • Now, this one was difficult. Because the therapist in me saw his wounds and felt so bad that he experienced all he did. But the human in me knew that I couldn’t attach myself to a man unwilling to work on his wholeness but instead project and unhealthily cope. Plus, the first date isn’t really the space to unpack your deepest secrets. Sorry. This one got deep, but too quickly. I had to set a boundary and end it.

• No Call, No Show

  • We had great convo for two days straight, he was over 6’0, and finally set up a date at this lively Jamaican spot down the street. I had a good sister friend of mine come with me and sit at the bar while I waited. I knew I was as hot as a scotch bonnet pepper and as golden and soft as cocoa bread. But guess what? I had curry goat alone that night and never heard from him. No man, no cry … or whatever Bob Marley said.

---

There are so many other air-balled shots that I’ve taken, ghosted messages, and straight up rejections that I’ve experienced. And it chips away at the ego and self-esteem a little bit each time. Trust me, I know that the courage it takes to participate in online dating comes with this hope that it won’t last long because you’ll be asked to log off and be with somebody’s son IRL. I see you and I get it, sis. And I share a few of my experiences as solidarity but also encouragement. Keep that hope. There are many “frogs” to kiss, as they say, before kissing a prince. And sometimes, that prince isn’t yet the king meant for you.

Date with discernment and the knowledge that you’re worthy of love, even if guys can’t look past their screens to see it.