Can I be honest? Yeah? Thanks …

My birthday is on November 7th. And the older I get, the less excited I am for getting older. It’s like each year, about two to three weeks before and after my birthday, I experience sadness, reflection, nervousness, and even sometimes apathy. I thought it was my Scorpio Sun/Cancer Moon/Virgo Rising all simultaneously deciding to run buck-wild and be on full display. But in actuality, some call it the “birthday blues”. That paired with a history of mild depression, can be a lot to manage and explain to those that want to celebrate [with] me.

Life is life-ing, but it’s not terrible. And for that I’m so grateful. My business is doing fine, my relationship is safe and loving, my family is here and healthy, and I have a great circle of #Framily (friends turned chosen family) members that love me in a special way, and mean it. So why am I sad? Why aren’t I smiling (cue Jhene Aiko)?

Well studies and articles show that for some, the “birthday blues” are common, like situational depression. I’m more susceptible to it due to the ebbs and flows of mild depressive symptoms I experience (according to my own very dope therapist). But I feel guilty about it.

Yes, this therapist sometimes feels guilty for having uncomfortable and not-so-pleasant feelings. What a paradox … a concept. So, I’ve also decided to cope: to let the the feelings come and go, like a wave. I’ve decided to be gentle with myself and practice self-compassion. I’ve decided to give myself permission to cry, laugh, nap, and celebrate however grand or intimate I decide.

I’ve DECIDED.

Making a choice when the birthday blues come around is not always easy because almost any choice feels like a chore. Have you ever had to work/parent/be a friend or sibling while not feeling 100% your best? Yeah, it takes energy and brain power that we don’t always have or want to express. But I saw a post that validates this very experience. It said something like “if you have 40%, give 40% — that’s still 100% your best” (I’m paraphrasing). And knowing that I don’t have to decide alone — having friends and family that will take the wheel and come alongside me and decide, too.

Making a decision isn’t always about action either, but an internal choice to align myself with truth.

The TRUTH

Often times, anxiety or depression, even anger, originates in the mind — thoughts swirling and ruminating, often irrational and based on assumptions or untruths. This is where so many people, including myself, find ourselves at battle. In the mind, acknowledging the untruth and challenging it with the truth.

And not a rigid or hard truth, but many truths. For example, two things can be true — “both, and”. I can be both grateful and anxious. I can be both celebratory and sad. I can be both a therapist and a child of God.

Throughout my life, I’ve had to learn, know, and rely on God, Abba. And each time, His truth truly keeps me. I always come back to my Life Scripture during times like this — when situations cause discomfort.

I listen to music and feel the Holy Spirit speaking to me, through me. I talk to God — like a friend. Imperfect and raw, with language and verbiage only He and I can speak. It’s grounding and sacred: prayer — and that is where I can share my truth while receiving His truth.

Jesus AND Therapy

The duality of “both, and” also covers the emotional/spiritual connection. I can have both Jesus and therapy. While I’m grounding and affirming myself in spiritual practices, I’m healing myself (in co-labor with God, don’t forget) with therapeutic practices as well.

One of the things I am working on practicing consistently is releasing unrealistic/unrelenting pressures and accepting myself for who and where I am. In a ever-changing and socially unforgiving world, along with the effects of my past traumatic experiences, radical self-acceptance was not always given space or praised; but now, at my BIG AGE, I give myself permission! Permission to BE. And this permission slip is something I have to remember, review, and sign daily. It’s a worthy choice.

Embracing all of my quirks, flaws, imperfections, and intricacies as they evolve right along with me — they make me who I am, how I impact, and why I love who I love.

What Now? Let’s Start with “Happy November.”

No façades, no false positivity, no self betrayal to make others happy … this is honesty. As I approach my new year I can acknowledge and accept that I’m not super excited about it [yet] but I am very grateful. I couldn’t have imagined I’d be living and loving the life I have today, but I know I’ll keep praying over it.

Vibe Tunes ATM:

G O D, LOVE, + s o u l/l o-f i. (an Apple Music Playlist I curated) | Be Like Water (feat. Stevie Wonder & Nas) x PJ Morton